I Am Sad, You Are Beautiful, We Were Tragic
by Italian Skunk
Summary: Summer '16 was still a blurry mess of fighting, love, and bright lights on ocean water. That's all Antonio could really remember... [We Were Liars AU]
1. i

**A/N - Hello again, guys! I have a new little story in mind to write, obviously, so I hope everyone likes it!**

 **Just to clarify - Alice [Fem!England], Daisy [Fem!Italy], Emilia [Fem!America], Madeline [Fem!Canada], Tomas [Portugal], Ben [Germania], Grandpa [Ancient Rome]**

 **Sorry that there are so many, but that should be everyone! ^^**

 **Please enjoy and review!**

* * *

 _i. wonderland_

* * *

Antonio sat in the shade of a tree. He was sipping pink lemonade from a mason jar and thinking that Francis was weird for requesting that he served their drinks like that. He closed his eyes and relaxed, his drink resting on his leg, condensation dripping over his fingers.

Across the island, he could hear the pats of a tennis ball hitting off Francis and Gilbert's rackets. Satisfyingly. Echoing, echoing.

Lovino was swimming, Antonio knew, and he opened his eyes to watch his sunlit figure make its way towards land.

He was pushing his wet hair out of his face, and met Antonio's gaze.

Antonio was a galaxy and Lovino was a trapped firefly.

But then Lovino was thrown aside, his family's Sheltie pinning him to wet sand. Antonio hadn't heard him howl with laughter and silly protests like he was then in a long time.

Antonio chuckled and chewed on his red-and-white striped straw. His cheeks were tinged pink.

He was in love.

* * *

Antonio jerked awake. His blanket was ready to fall off of the bed. It was dark in his room. Dark and hot.

He was sweaty. So sweaty. Sometimes he hated summer.

He got up from his bed, yawning. Stretched and stumbled across the room to the balcony doors. The lock fell free, ringing and cackling, and he threw open the doors. The water rushed in, the wind hit his face. The floor of the small balcony was warm, but it felt nice on his bare feet.

He wiggled his toes, breathed a deep breath.

Somewhere, he could smell breakfast, and he knew to look to the right.

Antonio hurried back inside, dressing in simple clothes of a T-shirt and shorts. Flip flops in hand, he left the empty Carriedo house for the Beilschmidt house. Birds screamed overhead. Ellie was faintly barking. The waves rang in his ears.

Along the way, bare feet slapping off of the wooden-plank trails, the smell of fresh pancakes and cold orange juice. Jams and chopped fruit. Toast.

Antonio slowed to walking - hobbling at times to slip on his flip flops. Francis was coming along the path that led from the Kirkland house.

They had their usual greetings of good mornings and did you sleep wells? as they climbed the wooden stairs. Avoided the tennis rackets leaning against the railing. One was Gilbert's, one was Lovino's. They entered the house, screen door shutting with a soft bang behind them.

Through the foyer, and into the door that revealed the open dining room.

A long table, made to seat many.

Many, many, many.

Antonio and Francis made it to their thrones.

Lovino, Antonio, Francis, Gilbert.

Gilbert, Francis, Antonio, Lovino.

… and Ellie. Ellie was somewhere in the mix. She always wanted their food.

* * *

 _Antonio was five._

 _The boat's motor was roaring._

 _His brother settled him upon his broad shoulders._

 _Alice, Francis, and Gilbert were standing on the dock. Francis and Gilbert were waving. Two new friends. Antonio waved back. They no longer looked like ants at this distance._

 _The motor died. Faded. Broke off._

 _The spray of water ceased and the wind stopped blowing his hair._

 _Francis and Gilbert were staring at him. He was staring at Francis and Gilbert._

 _Tomas swung him overboard and Alice grasped him under his arms. Pretty glasses and long hair, a kind smile. She placed him down on the dock. Antonio stood still on the dock. He reeled and he rocked, he wobbled and swayed. The dock was loose and he was waiting to fall._

 _Fall._

 _f_

 _a_

 _l_

 _l_

 _into the water and drown._

 _Ben and Alice and Tomas brought their luggage off the boat._

 _Francis took a hand and Gilbert took the other. They ran off together, the three of them, along the coast. No time to remove the orange life vest. They kicked up sand and mocked the incoming waves._

 _Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert_

 _dissolved into laughter._

" _Best friends," they were saying by the end of the night, with sunburnt faces and legs caked with sand. Vanilla ice cream stained their lips and their eyes glowed._

 _Their little fingers_

 _were_

 _cut_

 _by_

 _fragments of seashells._

 _Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert were_

 _best friends indeed._

* * *

Alice came in with one last batch of pancakes.

Tomas with a pitcher of orange juice.

Ben and Grandpa carried trays of fruit.

More plates were made, they all began to eat.

The kids got loud, with squeals and giggles. Even Ludwig, amongst Daisy, Emilia, and Madeline. The adults talked, and they looked mad at times. Gilbert trash-talked Lovino about their approaching tennis match. Francis distracted Gilbert. Antonio saw how relieved Lovino looked.

"I know you'll kick his ass," Antonio muttered. His voice was low. Couldn't swear in front of the children.

Lovino huffed. He stabbed at his last bit of a pancake. Didn't eat it.

"You have jelly on your cheek." he muttered back.

Antonio laughed. Dabbed it off with a napkin. Felt sticky, but he still grinned.

"Happy?" he asked.

"Very." Lovino rolled his eyes. Took a swig of his drink. He had this little grin on his lips. Fireflies in his eyes.

Antonio looked back at his plate, scattered with crumbs and a tiny piece of crust. A dribble of orange juice from when he poured too much into his glass.

Plates were collected, and they helped clear the rest of the table.

The four kids were coloring at the table.

The adults were tucked away into the kitchen.

The four of them stood on the porch.

Lovino, Antonio, Francis, Gilbert.

Gilbert, Francis, Antonio, Lovino.

"Are you guys going to come watch me kick Lovi's ass?" Gilbert asked. He had an arm tightened playfully around Lovino's neck. Ruffled his hair. Knocked the rackets over.

Francis snorted.

Antonio grinned.

Gilbert was such a sore loser.

* * *

 _The three of them were ten._

 _Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert stood on the dock and waited for their new friend._

" _New friend!" they would giggle whenever they could._

 _Alice and Tomas stood with them._

 _Alice ran her fingers through Francis' hair. Gave them each a stick of gum._

 _Antonio quite enjoyed the taste of_ Wild Blueberry Twist _._

 _The boat appeared and slowed down in front of them. It was tied down._

 _The trio shared a glance. Where was their new friend?_

 _Ben appeared, he held two bags in one hand and was aiding another to step off the boat. The man held a baby. A baby girl with short red hair and a sleepy face._

" _Hello, Mister Vargas, it's a pleasure to meet you." they still said._

" _Did Ben tell you to say that?"_

 _They hesitantly nodded._

" _Wonderful," he'd said. "... Lovino!"_

 _They held their breath._

 _A head of wild and curly hair appeared. This Lovino slunk his way off the boat. A dog followed after him. Sheltie. It sat beside them. He pushed his way under the man's arm and clung to his shirt with a fist. Fidgeted with the orange life vest. Stared at his gray-brown shoes. The white shoe-laces were dirty._

 _The sunlight made his earrings twinkle. Antonio thought they were cool._

" _These are my grandchildren, Lovino and Daisy. The dog's name is Ellie... Lovino, say hello."_

 _He was nine. He was scared._

" _...Hello."_

 _They greeted him. Complimented Daisy._

 _Antonio cracked his gum. He didn't mean to. Lovino's head snapped around. He had big, dark eyes._

 _The four of them_

 _ran._

* * *

The sky was falling. Melting.

Bright. Neon.

Antonio wanted to kiss him.

Gilbert tossed another stack of old, dry foliage into the pile. Francis tossed a cup of gasoline. Lovino lit a match and let it fall. He was grinning.

The cold ocean air vanished and they were filled up with a heavy warmth. The dried leaves and sticks crackled and popped. The water rushed in and caught the flames in their dark embrace, blending it with moonlight.

The sand was icy underneath their feet.

Lovino sat down beside him on the log.

Antonio really wanted to kiss him.

But then there were screams, and the kids attacked. Ellie came flying down the trail, yipping and whining.

There was rustling bags. Soda and chips, s'mores and hot dogs.

The adults took their seats on the other logs. Daisy, Ludwig, Emilia, and Madeline settled. They got their sodas, they got their plates and what food they wanted. They roasted hot dogs and soon they had marshmallows going as well.

They stuffed their faces and talked and laughed.

Crumbs dusted their laps and sugar stained their teeth.

They told stories like: _remember that one time Lovi chipped his tooth?_

But instantly there was: _hey, idiot, want me to beat you in tennis again?_

Daisy screamed when she noticed the lightning bugs coming out. The kids ran. They kicked up sand.

Ellie relaxed by Lovino's feet. Lovino leaned against Antonio, eyes closed. Absentmindedly ran his fingers through her sandy fur.

"Francis," Alice started.

A swig from his can of Pepsi. Francis hummed.

"Your birthday's next week, what would you like to do?"

Both Antonio and Gilbert muttered something. Lovino snorted. Knocked over his can of Dr. Pepper. Startled Ellie. Antonio liked how his face crinkled. Had a silly grin on his lips. Francis fell off the log he shared with Gilbert. Spilled Pepsi on himself.

The four of them still laughed, brilliant in the light of the fire. They ignored the looks they were given.

Francis settled for sitting on the sand like Lovino was. "Something simple," he requested after a moment. "like we did for Emmie and Maddie. I'll think of something and tell you."

They cleaned up and got a bucket of water to help put out the fire. The adults called for the children to come over. They went up the trail for the wooden plank paths and took the ones that would lead them home.

* * *

Antonio woke up.

Checking his phone revealed that it was six in the morning.

Lovino was throwing rocks at his window at six in the morning.

He stood from bed and stepped carefully around his room in the dark. The sky was bruised. It would storm that day.

Antonio got to the locked balcony doors.

 _Ping!_

The lock cackled.

"What are you doing? It's six in the morning and I'm trying to sleep."

Lovino stood two stories down. He was wearing a big T-shirt that slipped over one shoulder. Hid his short-shorts. He wore black socks and the little light there was igniting his toxic eyes. He let the small rocks fall from his hand. His smile was soft.

"Okay, despite _that_... Do you wanna take the boat out to the mainland for chocolate with me?"

* * *

 _Lovino was curled up on the sand, Antonio finally saw._

 _He let the waves rush up and wash over him. Stain his legs and his arms. Just missed masking his tears. Filled his mouth and destroyed his lungs. Lovino threw up bloody water and organs and let the foamy waters take him away._

 _The three of them were eleven and they still had the right to exaggerate._

"Today's one of his bad days. He just wants to be alone, okay?" _Grandpa had said._

 _The family houses had been empty. The tennis court. The areas of the beach they hung around. The docks. They searched off of the wooden-plank paths and decided on parts of the beach they didn't frequent._

 _Lovino was ten-years-old and he was upset._

 _He was so upset._

 _So scared._

 _Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert stomped on the sand, racing and weaving to close the distance between them._

 _He was encased in branches of prickly thorns, but Antonio allowed his hands to be ripped apart as he grabbed him. The waves came in and bit through their skin and their bones. Lovino shrieked._

 _Antonio picked him up with a twirl, letting Lovino rest against him. Francis hugged them. Gilbert too._

 _The trio wiped his red cheeks and dabbed at his tears._

 _They said nothing._

 _The three of them already knew_

 _even when_

 _the adults thought they didn't._

" _I'm adopted." Francis spoke up. He was petting Lovino's dark hair. "Alice adopted me, and she's thinking about adopting these two little newborns soon. She says my mom and dad wanted to take care of me, but they just couldn't, y'know?"_

 _Lovino sniffed. He coughed. Hid his face from them._

" _Ben says my parents are travelling, but without me? I… don't really understand it, haha…" Gilbert confessed. He looked awkward talking about it._

" _And Tomas looks after me because dad left and mom… well…" Antonio shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "She, kind of, um... died… giving birth to me?"_

 _His voice cracked. He was unsure._

 _It felt weird finally saying it aloud._

 _They stared at Antonio._

 _Silence._

 _The robbery flashed before Lovino's eyes. They hugged again._

 _More silence._

 _So loud._

 _Lovino stared past Antonio's shoulder._

 _The waves were angry. The sun was hidden._

" _We're all just… tragedies…" he whispered. They pretended to not hear._


	2. ii

**A/N - Second chapter already! I honestly didn't imagine getting as much feedback as I got on the first chapter, so that's... _wow_! I would like to say that I updated the playlist for this fanfic on my profile, and it's to get a sense of what may come in future chapters, perhaps?**

 **Please enjoy and review!**

* * *

 _ii. dirty sadness_

* * *

Four teenagers tumbled off of the dock.

Onto the boardwalk. Pockets heavy with money. What a happy mess.

They were teasing the one boy. He looked embarrassed. Wanted to make it look like he didn't know these three assholes.

"So what is it you wanted to do on the mainland, exactly?" Lovino asked.

"Shop... Just get off the island, really." Francis explained.

"I can understand getting off the island, but shop for _what_? Expensive jewelry and cheap T-shirts? We can already find the jewelry in your family house and the cheap T-shirts in Lovino's room." Gilbert said.

"What the _hell_ do you have against me, _my God_!" snapped Lovino.

Antonio laughed. He pulled the three of them into a candy shop residing on the corner. A bell above them rang. There were endless possibilities in front of them.

 _Jawbreakers._ There went another comment about Lovino's chipped tooth incident.

 _Gummy cola bottles._ He kicked Gilbert.

 _Jelly beans._ Francis tried raspberry, tried crushed pineapple. Ignored his two friends.

 _Chocolate._ Antonio probably didn't need that big bag of dark chocolate rainbow nonpareils, but he bought it anyway.

* * *

They walked for a while, found a shop and tried on clothes they found silly or unpleasing.

They saw a movie.

They came back to the island with several fresh pizzas and nonpareils that there beginning to melt.

* * *

There was cake. _Happy 15th Birthday, Francis!_ Ice cream. Pizza. Soda.

Swimming. Tennis.

Gilbert was such a sore loser.

The families settled on their respectful logs like several nights before, and Antonio wanted to kiss him. Kiss him so hard. It was terrible. But Daisy was sitting on Lovino's lap, asking him to put her short hair into tiny pigtails, and the adults were _right over there_.

He let a nonpareil melt in his mouth. Gave a few to Daisy so they could melt on her hands and in her mouth too.

They breathed in the sweet air. It was mixed with the ocean and the fire. So sweet. Crashing and crackling.

"When can I open up my presents?"

"Do you want to now?" Alice asked.

"Before we lose light would be nice," Francis mused in return.

He opened the cards first. A total of $200 he would probably forget about.

Precious drawings from the kids that were colored outside of the lines. That's what made them precious.

He opened the bags from Antonio and Gilbert. Laughed loudly at what their cards said, was forced to read them aloud. He had music to listen to later, DVDs to watch, and jewelry to add to his collection.

The wrapping paper from Lovino's crinkled. A shirt and two books he'd been wanting. Foreign candy. His card was something that couldn't be spoken aloud, but Francis was quick to cover it up. Couldn't swear in front of the kids. _It reveals Lovino's true feelings about me, I'm a very good friend that he's happy to have around!_

Ellie sat with Francis all that evening. That was apparently her present for him. It required lots of petting. Of course it would.

The night continued on like that.

The families talked. They told stories. They may have laughed until there were tears making their eyes glossy.

* * *

At some point, the lightning bugs came out.

At some point, the stars began to twinkle.

At some point, the adults and the kiddies left.

At some point, Antonio kissed Lovino.

* * *

A midnight swim. Lovino had suggested it.

There was enough sugar running in their systems that the idea seemed perfect.

The four of them left the light of the fire, bright and golden. They entered the darkness. They embraced the moonlight, glittering and silver.

The four of them didn't count on the water being so cold. They didn't count on missing the warmth of their small fire.

Only Antonio and Lovino stayed.

Their shaky breathing and the rippling water was the only thing they could hear. The distant burning of the fire, the faint chatter of there friends, were some of the things they ignored.

Lovino remained close to him, enough that their hands brushed when they moved to keep afloat. His head was tilted, watching _something_ , perhaps the waves, with a tinged face. Antonio, ever so hesitantly, snatched his hand.

Lovino jolted, but he didn't pull away. His eyes were big and lively, illuminated with the spill of the moonlight. Surprised.

Antonio bit his bottom lip. Leaned down. Tipped his head to close the distance. Lovino's lips were warm.

Wonderfully original. Excitingly eccentric.

Electric. Numbing.

Destruction.

"- _WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE, THAT'S AMORE_!" howled Francis and Gilbert.

They were standing where the waves thinned and fizzy foam lapped at their ankles, arms thrown over their shoulders and they swayed with smiles and laughter.

Lovino pushed away. Face bright red. He stared, for a second, at Antonio. So scared. Then he splashed the water with a fist and settled a harsh glare for the beach.

"Assholes!" he shouted at the two of them.

Antonio was silent.

They were silent.

"... I… I-I'm sorry, was that stupid of me to do?" Antonio finally asked.

"N-no," Lovino spoke hastily. Looked at him, and then looked at the water. "It… It was nice."

"Was it?"

"Yeah… Just Francis and Gil is all. Annoying bastards."

They swam to shore. Put the fire out. Went to their family houses.

Acted like it never happened.

* * *

The following week was not composed of early-morning missions for chocolate or awkward kisses.

Antonio wished it was.

Antonio wished he wasn't as in love as he totally was. It felt like Lovino was holding his bloody, beating heart in his slim, dangerous hands and - knowing Antonio would feel it so strongly - simply began crushing it.

Well, that's what a crush _did_ , right? A crush crushed.

He filled his week with awkward mason jar drinks, awkward melting nonpareils, awkward tennis matches, and awkward fluttering fireflies.

* * *

When Antonio found him, Lovino was on the Vargas house porch, tucked away on the hammock with a blanket and a book.

Antonio balanced himself on the railing beside him.

"Hi Lovi…"

A glance. "... Hello."

"Are you mad?"

Lovino kept his focus on the book, the corner of the crisp page pricking his fingertip. He seemed to pout. "Not at you, if that's what you're wondering. It was a nice first kiss." Lovino finally said. Flipped the page. Began to read.

"Oh?" asked Antonio. Got down. Crawled in beside him.

Couldn't believe he'd been Lovino's first. Antonio had had one or three unimportant kisses by then. Lovino was important.

Lovino's bony shoulder brushed his. "You're fine, stupid. It's just Grandpa was fussing earlier and took Daisy to the Beilschmidt house. Don't know what started him, but God was it annoying as hell."

"Tomas went there too."

Lovino hummed. Bookmarked his page. Closed the book. They kissed.

Went inside, stumbling. Kissed again.

The back screen door slammed shut. They leaned against the kitchen counter. Stood in the blinding light of late afternoon. Innocent kisses.

"... What are we?"

Antonio pecked his forehead. "Aren't we together?"

"That depends. Am I just a summer fling or am I something permanent?" Lovino asked.

"I… I'd like to think you're something permanent." Antonio said. He stepped away, hand on the back of his neck. Everything suddenly felt _so suffocating._

Like, instead of crushing his heart, Lovino was crushing his neck. Because that's what a crush did. A crush crushed.

Lovino found it hard to meet Antonio's gaze. He stared at the tiled floor, his shuffling feet in black socks. "T-that's why… I kind of ignored you this week. I just needed time to think."

"Is a week enough?"

"I wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't."

Antonio gave a small smile.

Lovino's smile was smaller. The sunlight caught in his eyes. They kissed again.

And somewhere, the front door threw open. Lovino froze, Antonio held his wrist. They closed the back door carefully, slowly.

Hid their shadows.

Listened to the screaming.

They sat crouched on the side of the house, hearing Grandpa shout at Alice and Alice shout at Grandpa. About the island. About Ben. The two boys were quiet, but thankful that it seemed like Daisy wasn't there. Lovino buried his face in his hands. Antonio hugged him.

Lovino began to cry.

* * *

That morning, a rock hit his window.

And another.

And another.

Antonio's eyes snapped open. He sat upright. Yawned. Checked his phone. He carried himself to the balcony doors, throwing himself into the rainy blue morning light. His bare feet brushed the scattered rocks that littered the balcony.

The waves were crying.

The birds were wailing.

The sky was gray and angry.

"I was trying to sleep." Antonio said. It was six in the morning.

Rocks fell from his hand. His eyes flashed. Same oversized, black T-shirt. Same short-shorts. Same ankle socks. Same gentle, mischievous smile.

"Were you really? With the way you're smiling, it seems like you were expecting me."

"Perhaps that's so."

"So if you were expecting me, then you must've also been expecting a trip to the mainland for chocolate."

Antonio grinned.

* * *

When they were leaving the mainland with smudges of chocolate on the corners of their mouths, it began to rain.

* * *

Antonio woke up.

He was tangled in the blankets with Lovino beside him and scattered aluminum wrappers of red and silver about them.

* * *

That night, they joined the kiddies in catching fireflies.

* * *

Eventually, summer was seeing its last days as July drifted into August.

They wanted to play tennis, but they kept slipping on wet leaves of vermillion, sepia, and plum. Gilbert twisted his ankle.

The water was slowly becoming too cold to swim, and Lovino tried to prove them wrong, but ended up with a nasty cold for two weeks.

August meant autumn. Meant school. Meant Lovino leaving.

On the last day of Lovino's stay at the island for his summer vacation, the four of them played one last attempt at tennis. They laid on the beach, getting caked in sand. Ate chocolate and got it smudged at the corners of their mouths.

"Well, at least we're free from watching you two make out for a few months, right?" Francis joked. Gilbert laughed.

"Assholes." muttered Lovino.

"Well," started Antonio. "at least it didn't get awkward between the four of us…"

The other three hummed.

They decided to make a fire later that night, just the four of them.

They gathered sticks and branches, shriveled leaves and avoided anything too wet. They ripped old newspapers up and poured a cup of gasoline. Lovino struck the match and they caught on fire.

"Wanna make mountain pies?" Francis asked.

So they did.

They found the iron maker and cleaned it off. They raided the kitchens for bread and their desired ingredients for pizza mountain pies. They headed back for their fire.

Francis prepared Lovino's pizza mountain pie, sticking in the one slice of bread that was covered simply in tomato sauce from a can set aside and shredded mozzarella. He tucked the other slice of bread on top of it, snapping the iron maker shut with skill and placing it carefully into the fire.

"Five minutes," he told, and ruffled Lovino's hair.

Lovino rolled his eyes. Laced his fingers with Antonio's.

Soon enough, they were all enjoying crisp mountain pies that burned their tongues. They told stories and laughed. They were quiet and sad.

It was their last night together for the summer, and the four didn't want to see it end.

* * *

It was hot come noon the next day, and they all stood on the docks.

Lovino couldn't stall by holding his hand anymore, so Antonio helped him step into the boat as it bobbed and swayed.

He'd already given Francis and Gilbert their farewell kicks to the shin.

He'd hugged the kiddies goodbye because they looked ready to cry.

Told Alice and Tomas to have a nice rest of the year.

"Do I get a kiss?" Antonio hoped, instead of a kick.

"But I have to get back to Philadelphia-aa!" Lovino whined, but at that moment he didn't care. He took ahold of Antonio's face with a grin on his lips. They kissed, long and delicate. After getting over the fact that their teeth clacked lightly on impact, and they pulled away with tiny smiles.

"I'll call when I get home." he murmured, and the motor roared to life.

"You better."

"Of course."

The boat left the dock.

Antonio wanted to scream, but he was silent.


	3. iii

**A/N - Alright, alright! So I would first like to say that if you recall me saying that the chapter titles are important and to keep an eye on them last week, then you can forget about that. FF totally butchered what I was going for so now it's just simple chapter titles and nothing more, really.**

 **Next, if anything in this chapter or the next two chapters seems... triggering... at all, then please, you can stop reading. This was something I was very concerned about, and still am, but I'm honestly trying to keep it from that.** **Speaking of the next two chapters, I will hopefully be doing what I did for _Losing My Flame_. That will be uploading the second-to-last chapter, and then the last chapter a bit later.**

 **Now with that out of the way, enjoy and please review!**

* * *

 _iii. summer '18_

* * *

It was raining when Antonio woke up.

His head was pounding and he felt miserable because in his dream he heard the rocks and saw Lovino's intoxicating gaze. He wished he could still taste the chocolate.

He'd woken up to all of that disappearing at his fingertips.

* * *

 _Antonio snuck from the house. Lovino was at his side._

 _They walked to the the dock where the silent boat awaited them. Got in and started it with ease. Crossed the waters to the mainland's dock._

 _The two of them hurried to snag bags of wrapped pieces of chocolate and fresh Orange Juliuses from the opening boardwalk stores._

 _They ran again, giddy and hoping to beat the sprinkling of rain they felt on their faces. Their feet padded loudly on the thick boards. They skidded past the dock, and headed for the island. Water sprayed up behind them._

 _Lovino peeled away a red wrapper, eating the square of chocolate quietly. Antonio did the same a moment later._

 _Rain began to pour down on them eventually, and Antonio held Lovino's hand._

 _"Do you hear the sound of the tap-dancing raindrops?" He asked, because the droplets were big and steady as they fell at an intense pace._

 _"I do," Lovino said with his eyes_

 _glinting_

 _and a smile_

 _that was too small._

* * *

"I do," Antonio whispered, and he stared at the ceiling. He didn't smile at all.

Black, gray, white. Cold? Lonely.

The rain was pounding, the traffic roaring.

"I do,"

This was Summer '18 so far.

Summer '18.

It tasted so bitter.

The door to his bedroom opened, and Antonio was embraced in yellow light. He curled up, away from the creeping headaches.

"Oh, you're awake." Tomas said.

Antonio didn't answer. Post-breakfast was in the air. He buried his face into the pillow. Everything hurt, yet nothing hurt at all.

He wasn't hungry. Or maybe he was.

"Do I have to go with you to get the paper today?" he asked softly.

The curtains to his room flew aside and bleached him in the pale light. The glass was dappled in the sky's heavy tears.

There was a weight that dipped the edge of his mattress. A hand with fingers that ran through his unruly hair. "It would be nice, so you can get out of this room more than you do."

"I'll be fine for a day."

A hum, and then silence.

Antonio hated the silence.

So he said, "What was she like?" because he missed the mother he never got to know, and he'd forgotten the beautiful words that Tomas had used just like how he'd forgotten most of Summer '16.

There'd been fighting. Shouting and wine and knives… and laughter.

There'd been love. Lovino's kisses tasted like chocolate.

There'd been bright lights on ocean water. The four had tried counting the silvery reflections but lost track one too many times.

Tomas slowed the run through Antonio's hair. "I've told you so many times before, 'Tonio."

He said nothing, again.

He hated it so much.

"What happened?"

"I've told you that too." And somewhere, his brother's voice cracked.

"I'm sorry-"

"No, no, it's fine. Just... let's get you something to eat and your medicine, okay? Then I'll go out for the newspaper."

Why? Antonio wanted to ask, because none of the drugs never really worked. He didn't. Antonio stood and followed his brother. There were the needle pricks and the push into his skin of whatever drug it happened to be this time. It bubbled through his veins.

Push, pull. Stable? Fall.

f

a

l

l

into the water and drown.

Lovino was probably on the island already, if school had let out for him. Still had kisses that tasted like chocolate. No one to give them to.

Francis and Gilbert would be waiting too. Bored, complaining.

There was a pan on the stove, but it was empty. On the stove because there wasn't enough room in the sink beside it.

Antonio watched Tomas head for the refrigerator. A plate for him. He decided he was hungry, but not for this. There was a list on the freezer door.

"Grocery list?" Antonio mused. "Looks like I'm not the only one forgetting."

So Tomas would get the things on the list and the newspaper, he would already be out, why not? Told Antonio to eat and behave, knew he would, and left.

Antonio was happy to be alone.

But the silence was loud.

He hated it so much.

There were a couple of donuts left over from the previous night. The one Antonio decided on was glazed. It tasted like fresh air and made his fingers sticky.

He would much rather have nonpareils.

* * *

When Tomas came home, Antonio was throwing up in the bathroom. New York City traffic was his terrible background music.

Medicine that did nothing at all still dazed his system.

Did nothing at all but destroy him, he assumed.

* * *

Antonio joined Tomas for dinner.

It didn't happen that often, but they both usually had a good time. Except for the fights.

There was a tin cylinder of pre made dough, a bag of shredded mozzarella, and a can of sauce.

Pizza, and it reminded him of crisp and gooey mountain pies.

"This kind of reminds me of Summer '15." Antonio said at some point that night, with Lovino's last day during that summer still fresh in his mind. He didn't acknowledge his brother's alarmed expression, though. If only it had been for Summer '16.

Antonio… almost wished it had.

Maybe it was.

It would have meant that he remembered something more than the fighting, the love, and the lights.

It pained him so much. He wanted to cry.

But no, Antonio simply picked up another small pizza square and took a bite.

He wouldn't cry, not yet.

He wouldn't throw up, not yet.

Not yet.

* * *

There was another fight. After dinner. Basically one-sided.

A phone call, and maybe Tomas had said the wrong thing.

And maybe Antonio was stuck in another unknowing phase, where the words "What happened?" were numbing his lips on repeat and spun his world dizzy.

* * *

"Why are we back in New York City? Why did we leave the island?"

…

"Can we go back to the island? I want to see Lovi. I want to see Francis and Gil. I haven't seen them since… I don't know."

…

"I'm tired of being stuck in this stupid apartment! I'm tired of hearing the traffic and… and _please_ , can we just go back? _Please_?"

…

…

"You don't _want_ me to remember, do you?"

…

"Is that why you always tell me that you've already told me the stories, that you'll write them down but you actually never do? You'll think about taking me back to the island, that you'll call Ben just so _I can live on a temporary high of imagining the sand between my toes and playing tennis_? You never do."

…

"You'd really do that to your own brother?"

"Only to protect you."

…

He slammed the door.

* * *

Antonio cried that time.

He reeled and rocked, he wobbled and swayed, but fall? He did not.

He stood in his room, fingers locked in his curly hair. Sobbing.

Tears. They were diamonds and lapis lazuli and moonstone.

Chips of onyx were caught in his throat.

Threw up melted gold and dreamed of a faraway love who was tiger's eye with the power of exaggeration still trapped in his aching hands.

* * *

 _There was the shade of the trees, and a mason jar of pink lemonade in his hand. The condensation cooled his fingers, dripped onto his shorts._

 _Tennis balls smacked off of rackets across the island. Echoing, echoing. So satisfying._

 _Lovino was swimming, and rose from the water. He was laughing and ran to meet Antonio._

 _They kissed and_

 _they were so in love._

 _But then Lovino was pressing a knife to Antonio's neck but he still had that breathless smile on his perfect lips. Firefly eyes._

 _Lovino slit his throat._

 _Dropping to the wet sand, he witnessed the dimming image of Tomas_

 _swinging a shovel_

 _at Lovino's head._

* * *

He woke up.

Breathless. Crying.

His tears were lapis lazuli and he was choking on onyx.

"'Tonio-?" The door slammed open and suddenly his brother was holding him.

 _It's okay._

 _It's okay._

Four in the morning and he wailed beneath the purple skies.

Five in the morning and he sipped scolding hot chocolate. Even though it was summer.

Tomas rubbed his back, just like when Antonio was five and was told that they would be trading New York City for some island a few states away.

He had cried because he didn't understand. He had cried because he didn't want to leave.

Now he cried because he still didn't understand. Now he cried because he wanted to leave.

"I… I thought about what you said. I only moved us back here to protect you. What happened… you shouldn't have to remember. It'll only destroy you more."

"Okay," he whispered.

"If you truly think this over… then I'll truly considering going back to the island for the summer."

And Antonio started crying again.

It meant Lovino and early-morning chocolate missions.

It meant Gilbert and him being a sore loser.

It meant Francis and mason jars filled with lemonade.

It meant _them_.

* * *

A week later, and Antonio and his brother were waiting on the dock.

He missed the feeling of this reeling and rocking, the feeling of this wobbling and swaying.

He missed this feeling of wanting to fall. Into the water, but maybe not drown.

He sat on his suitcase, hair in his eyes, his smile small.

Would Lovino's smile be a bit bigger when he saw him again?

Tomas nudged his shoulder. A boat was pulling up.

There was Ben. The three greeted each other with how have you beens and it's been forever since I've seen yous. The usual. Nothing that meant… destruction. Bags were loaded, they stepped aboard.

Antonio breathed in the smell of the ocean, of the air, and he felt so much more at home.


	4. iv

**A/N - Please enjoy and review!**

* * *

 _iv. love_

* * *

The motor dulled. Broke apart like glass.

There were the adults and the kiddies. The hellos and nice to see you agains.

Francis and Gilbert stared at Antonio. Antonio stared at Francis and Gilbert. They grinned.

Lovino cracked his _Wild Blueberry Twist_ gum. Didn't smile.

The three of them were there one second, then gone the next.

Kicking up sand. Forgetting about him.

Invisible lapis lazuli slid down his cheeks. Melted gold burned his tongue. Madeline held his hand.

He stood on the dock. Rocking and reeling. Wobbling and swaying.

Bags were unloaded from the boat and carried to the Fernández house.

In his room, he noticed the uneven color of wooden floorboards. He sat on the edge of the bed, trailing his foot between the uneven hues.

Wrecked by a fallen tree in '16. Repaired in '17. "It'd been one hell of a storm," Ben had said. "Would've been a mere drizzle in New York City."

Antonio frowned.

Fell backwards onto the bed. Groaned.

Lunch was an hour away.

There was something weighing him down. Telling him he shouldn't look forward to it.

* * *

Three empty chairs.

Antonio was the sole ruler.

A table to seat not as many in the Beilschmidt house.

"Where are Lovi, Francis, and Gil? Ellie?" he asked, not liking the feeling that it was just him. Out in the open.

Lovino, Antonio, Francis, Gilbert.

Gilbert, Francis, Antonio, Lovino.

Hadn't that been them? Not just him?

And Ellie?

She… always wanted their food.

Daisy stared at him in horror. Sweet little Daisy who was only seven and had traded pigtails for a bouncy ponytail. Let nonpareils melt in her hands. Trusted only Lovino to teach her to swim. _She_ stared at _him_ in _horror_.

" _I miss Ellie_ ," she mumbled to Ludwig. Ludwig nodded. Watched her stab her cup of fruit with her fork.

"Well, they tend to go off to that one little cave across the island now." Alice eventually replied as she stirred sugar into her iced tea. The ice cubes sang. "You know the one, right?"

He did.

"But you can go after them later, can't you?"

"I… I guess."

* * *

The kiddies were in the living room, coloring on sheets of blank newspaper.

He used to do that too, before Lovino came. Francis had found the stack of paper, but Gilbert always accidently broke the crayons he colored with. They still used them until uneven stubs turned into nothing. That was end of that, then.

Lovino, when having already arrived on the island, took a single packet to keep in his room. Paper airplanes with pictures and stories sailed onto Antonio's balcony at odd hours of the night. Before the missions for chocolate began.

"What did you guys do the last couple of summers while I was away?" Antonio asked them.

Silence.

He bit his lip.

"Swim," mumbled Ludwig. Switched the Aztec Gold crayon for the Cherry.

"Color," came Madeline's input. Her messy golden curls swayed.

"Tennis," Emilia decided. She stared at him.

"... _Not_ catch fireflies." Daisy grumbled. Broke Tiger's Eye right in half when she went to use it.

They went back to silence.

So scared.

They ignored him.

He went to find his friends.

* * *

Lovino was in the Vargas house.

Antonio came in through the back screen door.

They hugged, Lovino's grip a bit too tight but that was okay.

Okay.

The two of them were fluttering shadows caught in the sunlight.

They kissed.

And Antonio didn't know when they held each other just a little bit closer.

… when Lovino wrapped his legs around his waist.

… when they relied on the wall to keep upright.

… when his kisses started littering Lovino's neck instead.

... when Lovino started to fall apart at the seams.

... when they came so close to teaching each other how to feel again.

They ran for the beach, for the cave, with the wind whipping their hair and the sand cutting their skin.

* * *

 _Lovino was curled up in the sand, Antonio finally saw._

 _He let the waves rush up and wash over him. Stain his legs and his arms. Just missed masking his tears. Filled his mouth and destroyed his lungs. Lovino threw up bloody water and organs and let the foamy waters take him away._

* * *

They ran into Francis and Gilbert.

It wasn't the cave that they went to, but settled for curling up in the hot sand across the island where the cool water only licked their bare feet.

Antonio held Lovino's hand.

"What happened?" he whispered.

Gilbert laid down in the sand. The water reached his knees. "Who cares?"

"I do."

"We would rather you not remember it, Antonio." Francis replied.

"Not you guys too."

Lovino pulled his hand away, yet let his fingers drift over the back of Antonio's hand. He let their shoulders brush. "'Tonio..."

He moved to settled in front of Antonio, holding his face with his soft, nimble hands. A chill ran down his spine and he went numb. Lovino didn't seem bothered with how the waves were tugging at him, like they _needed_ him.

"Let's just spend this summer like all of our other ones, okay? Chocolate and tennis and birthdays, right? No worrying about your memories. You can't force it out of those who are too uncomfortable talking about it, they'll come back on their own..." Lovino faltered, hunting for words, searching for the right path to head down. "We heard about how you acted while in New York City, and I… I _hated_ hearing you say those words. There is so much I could tell you, _so much_ , but I can't… I can't… I just _can't_ and, _please_ , you have to understand that-!"

Lovino let his hands fall into his lap. For a single second, he was quiet, and then he was crying. He buried his face into his hands, the waves finally rushing over him.

Antonio let the thorns and cold water tear apart his hands, but he pulled Lovino back from the ocean before it could take him away.

He held him close. They held him close.

At one point, it felt like they weren't holding Lovino as he cried, but held Antonio instead.

* * *

The sky had long ago progressed into an inky indigo, with puffy saturated clouds and the setting sun igniting the ocean.

Antonio probably missed dinner. He didn't care.

"Can you tell me what happened to Ellie at least? I asked at lunch and I really want to apologize to Daisy for it."

It was up to Lovino to answer. "... Winter '16 is what happened. She was getting too old and it was getting too cold. She was there one moment, then gone the next." he eventually said, the wind catching his half-dry hair.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"... Well, what about you? Anything happen besides that undercut?" Francis ruffled Antonio's hair.

"No."

"Oh."

"What about you guys?"

No one answered. They were gone again.

He was all alone.

* * *

Antonio apologized to Daisy.

She would only forgive him if he got her a tortoiseshell cat that she could name Mozzarella.

* * *

Another dream.

 _Lovino stabbed him_

 _in the stomach._

* * *

Late June became early July.

No early-morning chocolate missions.

There were birthdays. Emilia and Madeline's.

So many presents for two cute six-year-olds.

Francis, Gilbert, and Lovino were absent but Antonio could hear them playing tennis.

He could only think of them as assholes when Madeline began to cry.

* * *

It was Francis' birthday. _Happy 18th birthday, Francis!_

It was just the cake. They didn't enjoy anything else.

Alice cried because wasn't it just yesterday that her baby was only sixteen?

Antonio wondered why she said sixteen.

Emilia and Madeline were oddly quiet.

At some point everyone was.

* * *

Rocks.

Boat.

Chocolate.

Antonio woke up with Lovino in his bed, with chocolate smudging the corner of his lips. Pecked his forehead. Lovino blindly smiled. Went back to sleep.

* * *

A week later and dinner was awkward.

The adults fought.

Antonio up and left to find his friends without a word.

* * *

Antonio spent most of the day with Francis and Gilbert.

He wondered about Lovino. He worried.

"Did you see him at all today?" he finally asked.

"Just very early this morning." Francis said, testing a voice that was still too hoarse and scratchy. The two of them had no voice all that week, but they were starting to come back.

"Said his stomach hurt so he went to sleep it off." Gilbert muttered.

"So he isn't sick like you two were?"

"... I'd say he has it worse than us."

So Antonio found himself walking the wooden-plank trails that would lead to the Vargas house.

Lovino was on the porch, in the same, old hammock. Hidden under a blanket with a book he was trying to read.

Antonio crossed the two steps, making his way to Lovino.

And Lovino noticed. Tossed his book to the floorboards with a bang and curled up away from him. Dissolved into a fit of coughs that sounded thick and wet.

Antonio tucked the blanket around him, picking him up with ease. Lovino squirmed and wailed.

He carried Lovino up to his room.

They laid in the bed together.

Silence.

"... What do you remember?" Lovino whispered calmly. His eyes were closed, and he listened to Antonio's fluttering heartbeat.

Hadn't Lovino told him not to? He didn't care. "... What I do remember, it's a bit distorted. Something looks like wine. Knives are lying out in the open. I can hear laughter."

"And?"

"There's kissing you."

"Wonderful."

"... I think this may have been a birthday party - Francis's 16th maybe - but it's night and there are strings of little lanterns hanging on the poles of the dock. The water reflects the lights and the four of us keep trying to count them like we'd count the stars."

"... Oh." Lovino's hand gripped a fistful of his shirt, and then relaxed.

They fell asleep.

And when Antonio woke up, Lovino was crying.

He wiped at Lovino's tears with his thumbs.

"It hurts, 'Tonio… hurts… Fu-" he whispered, doubling over to cough and reclaim his breath. His eyes were so dull, a part of him that was too far away falling asleep to the approaching stars.

But there wasn't much he could do.

* * *

Another week had passed, and it was as if that night had been forgotten. If his friends were okay then everything was okay.

They were playing tennis.

Just Lovino and Antonio.

Dusk was falling.

The sun saturated the clouds neon pink.

Their rackets dropped. The ball rolled into the low net.

The clouds were bleeding.

Antonio was bleeding.

Lovino kissed him.

They lived in the aftertaste of sunset.

* * *

Antonio woke up some time later in the sand. It was midnight, and he was drunk on the crisp moonlight.

And he was all alone.


	5. v

_v. cold case_

* * *

 _He was lost at sea and he couldn't breathe._

 _Francis, Gilbert, and Lovino had thrown him overboard._

 _They'd laughed. They'd left._

 _Antonio was alone, with the cold, sharp water destroying his bones._

 _He was ali-_

* * *

He was awake.

Threw open the balcony doors to just _breathe_. August was hot. The railing was burning with golden afternoon sunlight so he wrapped his hands around it.

Antonio was warm. Was lost.

"What happened that night?" he mumbled.

Closed his eyes and opened them.

In the corner of his balcony, laid a paper airplane of blank newspaper. It was covered in roses drawn in the kiddies' Crayola crayons that outshone the black smudges. He wondered if there were any writings inside that awaited him.

Antonio carefully scooped up the craft and stepped inside his room. The balcony doors fell shut behind him.

He settled on his bed, with the plane on his lap.

Antonio took it apart, jumping slightly when a flurry of photographs rained down onto his lap.

Lovino, Antonio, Francis, Gilbert.

Gilbert, Francis, Antonio, Lovino.

And Ellie.

The kiddies, the adults.

Stretched out in a half-cursive handwriting. In Lovino's handwriting. In Tiger's Eye. It was the message for him.

 _Look in the attic. Summer '16. We have to go soon._

There were wrinkled patches of water damage throughout the paper. They'd been crying.

Antonio suddenly didn't know how to feel.

* * *

Antonio headed for the attic when he knew Tomas had left the Fernández house.

The stairs creaked under his shifting weight and left him with a sense of unease as he entered the room of dusty sunlight and forgotten boxes. The paper airplane, he'd left it abandoned on his bed. The photographs on the floor.

Summer '16.

There was the box.

Dusty and water abused and bleached from sunlight, but _Summer '16_ stared right at him in messy lowercase.

He fell to his knees, fingertips creeping at the worn edges of the cardboard flaps.

With a deep breath, Antonio opened the box.

* * *

 _A bowl of cereal. Glass of orange juice. Both were empty but Antonio was satisfied._

 _Grandpa said something about Ellie. He looked annoyed. No one in the room could understand why._

 _Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert all glanced down to Lovino._

 _He dabbed his mouth with his napkin. His gaze, bright and intoxicating, flickered to his grandfather and he whistled. Ellie came trotting around the table to reach Lovino's side, rested her head on his lap._

 _Lovino said something as equally nasty, though about his grandfather. About how if he wanted Ellie gone, then Grandpa would want Lovino gone too._

 _Then he took Ellie and his sister and left the Beilschmidt house._

 _Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert were smart enough to take Ludwig, Emilia, and Madeline and leave too._

* * *

…

* * *

 _Antonio felt dizzy. Dizzy and light and giggly._

 _The wine burned his tongue._

" _How did you sneak this shit up here without getting caught? Holy shit, Francis, holy shit-!" Gilbert was mumbling. Francis and Antonio laughed._

" _I literally just got up before Alice this morning, went down to the pantry, and grabbed a bottle of wine. It isn't as hard as you think it is."_

 _The trio heard the door slam downstairs. They became more awake, alert, and hid the bottle and clear, plastic cups of dark liquid underneath the bed. Grabbed the things closest to them and took great interest. Ignored how their cheeks were probably dusted with a noticeable and warm blush._

 _A rush of footsteps coursed up the stairs that led to Francis' room. The doorknob rattled and Lovino flew inside. He collapsed to his knees._

" _Lovino!" they chorused, tossing their objects away from them to tend to their friend._

" _Ben… and they… they…" Lovino gasped._

" _Lovi, your cheek." Francis murmured, brushing his thumb over the swelling scratches. Lovino winced._

" _Alice," he muttered._

 _They dabbed at the cuts with soapy water to clean them. Carefully applied antibiotic cream and did their best to bandage them._

" _What happened?"_

…

" _Lovino,_ what _happened?"_

 _..._

" _They asked me about the island."_

" _What did you say?"_

" _I didn't want it. Why would I? Pissed them off well enough."_

" _Good… that's good… we think…"_

 _They pulled out the wine again and they drank._

* * *

"What happened then?" Antonio hissed.

He searched through the box some more, setting aside the stained plastic cups. Pulled out a ratty notebook. The spiral was flattened and most of the water-damaged pages had been ripped out.

It was in Lovino's handwriting.

* * *

 _Alice slapped me. I ignored the burn that ignited the side of my face, ignored the droplets of blood that dripped from my chin. I glared._

 _And Ben asked me again, "Do you want to own the island someday, Lovino?"_

 _And I said again, "No, I don't."_

 _And I left before there could be any more of the "Are you sure?"s and the "Why don't you?"s. It was annoying. That's what pissed Alice off in the first place._

 _She didn't want to hear anything about how I "didn't want to be like the four of them."_

 _Ignored me when I said that they fight all of the time in front of the eight of us. Ignored me when I said that Daisy came crying to me one night because of it. Ignored me when I said that one time Francis stayed up all night with Emilia and Madeline because of it. Ignored me when I said that I started crying one day and turned to Antonio because of it._

 _I'd said earlier that they could sell the island that didn't need to be bought. I didn't realize then that… if the island had never been bought by Ben, then maybe I never would have met Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert-_

 _I'm getting sappy as I write this._

 _Anyways._

 _I knew at the Kirkland house that there was a cup of wine with my name on it and I wanted it._

 _I wanted it so badly. To get drunk and forget. Spill my secrets unknowingly._

 _I fell so many times trying to get there. I'd finally started to cry. Again._

 _Later that night I found out_

 _that they asked Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio_

 _about the island and they all said_

 _that they did not_

 _give a single_

 _damn._

* * *

Was the rest of the notebook lost to water damage? Most of it.

Antonio found another entry, on the stained backing of the notebook.

 _I love you._

In the Tiger's Eye crayon.

Something in an envelope. Addressed to the adults. Opened. Stained with tears. He couldn't bring himself to read it.

Antonio had to get out of there.

* * *

He inhaled the crisp air of sunset as he ran with the box in his grasp.

Kicked up sand. Remembered.

* * *

 _Another night. Another stolen bottle of wine._

 _In Antonio's room._

 _They were alone. Another night to remember. To forget._

 _Lovino's scratches had more or less healed._

" _What if we… pulled something like a Romeo and Juliet?" he wondered aloud._

" _What if we did?" the four mused together. "What if we did?"_

 _Because no one would get what they wanted, would they?_

 _They wouldn't._

 _They giggled and howled with laughter, with tinged cheeks. They couldn't do it, could they?_

 _They could._

 _Lovino placed the sealed envelope on the nightstand. They left the light on._

 _Francis and Gilbert were suddenly gone._

 _Blood stained the floorboards. Stained their necks._

 _Antonio then kissed Lovino and took a knife_

 _and stabbed him_

 _in the stomach._

 _He didn't know why he did, but he did._

 _It was like flicking a light switch. One minute it was on. The next, it was off._

 _One minute he was active. The next, he was deactivated._

 _He sat in the corner and cried until the adults stormed in._

 _And then everything went black._

* * *

And suddenly he could remember the beautiful words his brother had used.

His sweet mother. His dear friends.

He'd switched the light back on.

* * *

 _Antonio had gone to the funerals. Had been dizzy on medicines that did nothing._

 _Gilbert and Francis were on the mainland._

 _Lovino back in Philadelphia._

 _They looked so handsome in their suits._

* * *

A storm? Winter '16? What bullshit.

They'd replaced the floorboards because they'd been stained with blood. Ellie died from grief of losing her owner.

* * *

"Wait!" he shouted at the dock. Dropped the box in the sand.

Both Francis and Gilbert jumped from where they stood in the boat. Lovino didn't react at all.

"... You've remembered." Lovino noted softly. He turned his body carefully, hesitantly. Hiding. His green eyes were big and bright.

"Everything?" Gilbert questioned.

Antonio swallowed. He sighed. "I still need one hell of an explanation from you guys."

And the three of them looked at each other.

Francis and Gilbert got out. The four of them sat on the edge of the dock, with their feet dangling over the rippling water.

Lovino hid his face with his hands. "How do we start?" he asked the others.

"... What are you?" Antonio decided. "Are you ghosts? … Am I hallucinating?"

Ghosts. They took on a fuller entity than being able to have hands pass through them or being a lone voice. Almost like they were alive again.

He wasn't hallucinating. The adults saw them and the kiddies saw them. The eight ignored them, though. Acted as though they didn't exist. Only talked about them when they truly had to.

They'd been there since Summer '16. Waiting.

They'd come back because he still needed them, they just didn't know when Antonio would have come back. Or how much time they had. Apparently staying until Summer '18 was surprising. Now their time was running out - Lovino's more than Francis' or Gilbert's. He already had a dark stain of blood staining his oversized T-shirt.

It shown in their illnesses from earlier on, they added.

The letter in the envelope told of their plan. The four of them would have died, to teach a lesson. The adults fought over the island, over who would get it. Now no one would get it.

"... Why did you kill me? Well... " Lovino sighed. "I honestly like to think it's so you could watch over the kids. Make sure what happened to us won't happen to them-!" He coughed.

By then, Francis and Gilbert had markings on their necks.

Time was wearing thin.

They had to go. Antonio wanted to cry. He did.

Francis and Gilbert were in the boat. Waiting. Bleeding.

Lovino wiped his tears away with his thumbs. "I love you, Antonio." he breathed, tucking his head underneath Antonio's chin. "Take the kids on early-morning chocolate missions. Catch fireflies with Daisy and get her a cat she can name Mozzarella."

"Better swim with Luddy, or I swear to God I will come back to haunt your ass."

"Haven't you already done that?" Antonio tried to joke despite the tears spilling down his face.

Gilbert snorted.

"Color with Maddie and play tennis with Em too? Mason jar drinks?" Francis requested.

"I will. Oh God, I promise I will." Antonio sputtered.

They smiled.

Antonio was holding Lovino's hand for the last time.

They kissed for the last time.

Antonio helped him step down onto the boat. Lovino turned around and grinned. He had blood staining his teeth, trickling down from the corner of his mouth. He gave a tiny wave.

He was seeing his friends for the last time.

The boat started and darted away for the horizon beneath the purple skies.

"WE LOVE YOU, ANTONIO!" they shouted.

And then there was silence.

* * *

Antonio stood alone on the dock.

He reeled and he rocked, he wobbled and swayed. The dock was loose and he was waiting to fall.

Fall.

f

a

l

l

into the water and drown.

But it was the box of Summer '16 that fell into the water and drowned. It fell from Antonio's hands, into the waves, to hide a beautifully sad tragedy forever.

* * *

 **A/N - And it's done! I'm really hoping I've cleared up any questions concerning this story, because the last two chapters really depended on this chapter, I think. I don't think I will be starting up another series for a while since school - ew - starts at the end of the month for me, but I will be writing one-shots!**

 **I hope you've enjoyed this story!**


	6. interlude

_interlude._

* * *

As they drove into the city, all Antonio could think of was wanting his brother to crash the car.

They'd both escape from the accident safely, but he wanted the destruction.

 _Tomas could wreck into that streetlight when we turn- Stop it!_

Or maybe he just didn't want to finally reach their apartment. He didn't want to be there.

"Could we stop for ice cream?" Antonio whispered, head resting on the cold glass of the window. He squinted against the dreary light of New York. The neon lights.

"I can get some when I go to the store later."

Another attempt at stalling failed.

Antonio sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. The most say he'd gotten during the long and boring drive from Philadelphia - though, the purpose of going, he couldn't remember - was the music. A new song was starting. Heavy piano.

 _You asked if I was feeling it, I'm psycho high._

 _Know you won't remember in the morning when I speak my mind._

"Please?" Antonio whispered again. Maybe he wasn't whispering at all.

Antonio spared a look over at his brother, furrowed eyebrows and pressed lips. About to give in. Please.

 _Oh, how fast the evening passes, cleaning up the champagne glasses._

Tomas tensed, and then lashed out. The music stopped with a smash of the buttons on the dashboard. Silence. Antonio stared, wide-eyed, pressing up against the door. Awkward. Scared. The seatbelt rubbed harshly into the side of his neck.

Tomas drove quietly, their brotherly atmosphere destroyed and falling apart.

Falling…

Antonio wanted to gag. His mouth tasted like the ocean. Sea water and salty diamonds. He missed Lovi.

After a minute, they were living in the pastel glow of the ice cream parlor. Crumbling waffle cone. Warm vanilla. Oozing chocolate. Rainbow sprinkles. A bottle of pink lemonade. The girl behind the counter gave him samples and got him to laugh since he looked rather sad.

They went home.

* * *

Stepping into the apartment made his heart hurt. This wasn't home. The stacks of boxes all around them didn't belong here. The island to the mainland, to Philadelphia, then to New York. A hospital, somewhere in all of it - a stay where no one let him know anything.

He didn't belong here. He wanted the sand between his toes. Lovino in his arms. The island.

Tomas pushed aside boxes with his feet, carrying the couple that were Antonio's to his room. He sat the boxes by the bed. Antonio sat down on the bare mattress while his brother left to get sheets and blankets. Pillows and cases.

Antonio kicked off his shoes. Dirty and old. The one shoelace was fraying. He tugged at the duct tape on the closest box. What greeted him was a frame, simple and black and face down into his sweatshirts. Antonio picked it up, turning it over to see the photo.

Younger Lovino, Francis, and Gilbert stared back at him. They stood on the dock, lively in the sunlight. Antonio wasn't there because he'd insisted on the picture.

Gilbert's pale hair was plastered to his head from swimming. He had green and blue swim shorts on, a blow-up floatie around his waist that looked like a sprinkled donut. He stuck his tongue out.

Francis wore a yellow t-shirt with images of roses ironed on the front and shorts. His forearms were decorated with silly temporary tattoos they must have gotten from some gumball machine on the boardwalk. His hair was in a ponytail and he was caught mid-laugh.

Huddling between them was Lovino, the shortest out of the four of them. His hair was windblown and his eyes were wide and toxic. Cheeks warm with sunburn, a bag of chocolate in one hand. The t-shirt he wore seemed to swallow him up. He smiled as if he were embarrassed.

Antonio brushed his thumb over their faces. His other Kings. His other Tragedies. Maybe he could try and call them later.

Tomas came back and Antonio felt that he had to hide the photograph. Sitting the sheets and pillows on the mattress, Tomas spared a peek over Antonio's shoulder. Silence was like sharp static between them, for a horrible few seconds.

"Wasn't that the first day you had your phone?" he finally said.

Antonio released a breath he didn't realize he was holding. A little kid who saw the big gray clouds, and was trying to prepare for the first clap of thunder.

"I guess so." Antonio murmured back. "Don't really remember." He added quietly. Sat the frame on the bare nightstand.

Tomas didn't seem to have heard him. Started fluffing pillows and putting cases on them. "Help me with the sheets, will you?"

They made his bed. They made Tomas's bed. They set up the tiny living room. The kitchen.

Tomas left to get groceries.

* * *

 _Antonio didn't know where he was walking. He was alone, and the clouds he walked on stretched for miles and miles, until they merged with the sky in a delicate frothy haze. He was a little afraid. The clouds could open up and he could fall through._

 _Fall_

 _until his body_

 _slammed into the Earth._

"Antonio!"

 _He turned around._

 _Lovino collided into him, the clouds kicked up in soft wisps behind him. His arms wrapped around Antonio. His life depended on it. Breathlessly, he sighed his name against the crook of his neck. "Antonio… Toni…"_

 _Antonio stumbled back, tumbling back. His head hit the clouds. The clouds and their heavenly sky disappeared. His body hit sand. Water rushed up to greet them, thinning and splashing against their tangled limbs. Antonio thought he might drown._

" _Lovi…"he whispered in disbelief._

 _Lovino was wet from the waves hitting them, as Antonio was, but for a moment, there was a gash in his big t-shirt with blood dripping from it and from his mouth._

 _Lovino laughed a little, as if he were completely unaware. Completely in love. Lovino offered Antonio a small and fond and bloody smile. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, and the gore was gone. As if it never existed._

 _Antonio blinked. Lovino leaned down and kissed him._

" _Toni, I love you." he whispered against his lips, the galaxy swirling in his eyes, as the waves overcame them again._

* * *

Antonio jolted awake, his body in pain. In the places where Lovino had laid. Was the ocean water still in his mouth?

A blanket had been thrown over him. A pillow under his head. Why was he on the couch? … He hadn't been feeling well. Tomas wanted him where he could watch him. That was why he was in pain.

Lovino had only

been

a dream.

Still startled, he braved a glance around the living room. The light of the small TV blinded him. Muted. Antonio stared at the screen, the silent frames of a couple fighting flickering by. He frowned. A soft, tired voice. The light from the kitchen, yellow and dim, pushed its way into the living room.

He could see the clock. It was only midnight.

The world pulsed. Dizzying. Antonio settled into the cushions. He listened instead. Tomas talked at the little dining table.

"... It's been a couple of days, but Toni seems to have settled in."

Had he? Antonio supposed so, at least a little. Tomas insisted on taking him out to get a newspaper every morning. After the needles. After the pills. He knew his way around to the nearest subway station that would get them to breakfast. The night life dragged him to sleep the way the waves crashing on the beach had. As though he had never left.

Antonio laid on the couch, dazed. The lights turned into a big blur. He felt sick.

"... No, Ben, we're okay." Tomas said. Insisted.

He nestled his head into the pillow. It was worn, the fabric scratchy against his wet cheek. Something of their mother's, he was sure, that pillow. More tears hit the pillow. When had he started crying? It'd be better to go back to sleep...

"How are the others?"

Tomas made a noise of surprise. Antonio had snapped upright at those words, staring at him over the back of the couch. Wide-eyed, tears streaking down his feverish face.

"Let me talk to Lovi!" he pleaded loudly. "Francis or Gil… Please, Tomas!"

Maybe Tomas would have given in if Antonio hadn't thrown up.

* * *

Antonio finally got to lay down after Tomas coaxed a few sips of water into him. Just a few sips.

"Better?" Tomas asked.

They had moved him back to his room after Tomas cleaned up the kitchen floor and cleaned up Antonio.

Antonio managed a little nod. He got teary-eyed again. "I'm sorry…" he mumbled, voice stumbling off with a hiccup.

Tomas sat down on the edge of the bed, pushing aside some hair from Antonio's warm face with his hand. Worried. Careful.

"Don't be sorry. You just got a little sick, it's okay. Anyone can get sick at any time."

Antonio sighed. He looked out his window. Thinking.

"... Is that her pillow? In the living room, was it her's?"

Tomas stared at him for a moment. "Yes…" he answered.

Antonio pressed his lips together. "What was she like?" he whispered back.

Tomas stared again. Exhausted. Fed up. "Toni, I already told you… When we were unpacking, you asked me. Don't you remember?"

A couple tears slipped down Antonio's face again. "No." he said bitterly. "I don't."

* * *

When Antonio felt better a few days later, he tried calling Lovino.

Tried calling Francis and Gil.

The parents.

No one answered.

* * *

 _Lovino kissed him. Kissed him again. Again and again and again._

 _They stood in the wet sand, the strong winds bundling them up and the incoming waves tickling their ankles. The island._

 _Antonio sighed. He returned the kisses. He loved Lovino so much._

 _Antonio moved his hands from Lovino's waist, moving them up, up, up, to Lovino's neck. His hair. His cheeks. His fingertips met something wet and Antonio pulled away in surprise._

 _Lovino did not look happy. Of course he wouldn't, with that wound in his stomach and blood spilling from his mouth._

" _Toni! Lovino!"_

 _Francis and Gilbert came running. Kicking up sand. They wore t-shirts and shorts, with rackets in hand and sneakers on their feet. Their necks were bruised._

 _The three of them shared a glance. Antonio watched them stumble into the waves until they fell. They got tangled in vines of thorns and flowers. The sunlight glinted off of them, as though they were dazzling jewels._

 _The waves crashed into Antonio's legs, with bits of vine and flower petals._

* * *

Antonio woke up with a yell. He was sweaty and breathless. Tears dripped from his chin.

He stared ahead at the wall, blinking blindly. Cars honked and lights flashed from below on the street.

It was four in the morning.

The bedroom door swung open. Harsh yellow light.

"Toni, what's wrong?" Tomas asked. "Are you crying?"

Antonio wiped at his face.

"Just… just a bad dream." he mumbled. He looked out the window.

Tomas crept to the side of his bed, sitting down like he had when Antonio was sick. A few more tears trailed down his cheeks.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Antonio shook his head.

Suddenly, red and blue lights flashed into the bedroom. Sirens wailed.

Antonio stared at the ceiling. His heartbeat quickened, more tears gathering in his eyes and overspilling. He shifted in his blankets, panic rising.

His silent crying turned to sobbing.

His brother gathered him in his arms, hiding the bright lights from his view. He held him tight. Shaking. Wailing. Antonio's face was tender and sticky from his crying and his tears by the time the sirens stopped. By the time Tomas revealed his room to him again, draped in darkness once more.

He escaped to the warmth of his blankets. Sips of water. His eyes stung. Onyx and gold burned his throat.

Tomas swallowed. "Toni, listen to me, okay? I won't let anything ever happen to you…" He sounded tired. Crazy. Desperate.

Antonio stared across the room at his brother. Abandoned in his bed while Tomas stood at the window. His window sill was decorated. The photograph of his three Kings. The small tray of potted succulents Tomas made him take care of. Three dead succulents. A glass bottle with a fake rose inside.

Antonio was quiet for a while.

Tomas inspected the world outside. A crooked streetlight. The window sill. Remembrance.

"Tomas?" he finally murmured.

"What?"

A new question that the dreams had made him wonder about.

His three friends had turned cold and distant, wounded. He loved them so much. They didn't fight against the colorful waves.

No wait, no…

He looked over at Tomas, head aching.

"... Tomas, what happened to me?"

* * *

 **A/N - A special lil something in celebration of the story I'm most proud of turning two :)**


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